Dear Father

This post is about my true feelings towards my father. I never had the courage to write what I truly felt because writing what I felt meant that there is no going back. I just want to tell anyone who faced something similar, to know that they’re not alone, I know exactly how it feels to be abandoned, neglected, and ignored by someone who should mean everything to you. Hold on, it will get better trust me, the pain you’re feeling will only make you stronger and more powerful. 

I never wanted this to happen 

I never wanted to hurt you

I hated myself all these years because of you

I became depressed full of anxiety and insecurities because of you

You destroyed me into pieces 

But i still loved you no matter what. 

Everyone of my friends had a father-daughter relationship, everyone of my friends had a supportive and understanding father. You? Haha you were never there, you neglected and abandoned us from the beginning, you left us when we needed you the most. You made it clear to us that you never cared nor you will ever care about us. You’re just a hypocrite two faced person, you convinced everyone that you’re  the best at parenting, but believe me you were never really our father, let me make it clear, you’re just a biological father to us nothing more. 

Now, all I can tell you is thank you. Thank you for showing me your true identity, your true face that i tried ignoring all these years.

Thank you for showing me that you never deserved my love, and i can live without a loving father. 

If the time comes and you ask me about my true feelings towards you. I’d proudly say that i loved you soo much that it killed me, i begged you to want me but you didnt want me. All i wanted is to get noticed, loved, or even accepted by you, but this never happened.

Then i said maybe he’d show his love with his money like how you show off infront of everyone. But the truth is you never paid anything. I never wanted to ask you for money never. But full of shame the other day, I came to you crying telling you that i needed your help, it doesnt matter that you dont like us or you dont want anything to do with us, but i needed you father. Yet, like always you strongly disagreed, rejected, shouted, and cursed. I’m never going to ask for you help ever again. I’m done. 

I regret giving you all these chances because everytime i gave you another chance you destroyed me harder, you left me hanging alone in the dark broken into pieces. It’s really funny and ironic how my heart still get hurt by you even if i always expect it coming. But trust me, I’m stronger than ever now, i can finally face you without any sort of emotions. It kills me to say that but i dislike you as a person and hate you soo much as father. 

I hope one day you understand the damage you caused me, I really hope you’ll be aware of the pain you made me feel all these years, the non stop crying, hating and blaming myself because I thought it was my fault. 

I really don’t know how you can sleep peacefully at night. Who am i kidding? You’re a selfish emotionless self centered person with no concious. Congrats dad, you won. I will no longer wait for you to call me, I will no longer try building a relationship with you, and most importantly I will no longer accept the way to treat me. 

In order for me to heal and move on in my life and close this painful disturbing damaging chapter in my life. I should tell you my last words, “I forgive you” not because you deserve it but its my time to think about myself, the only way I can forget about you is by forgiving you and moving on. Forgiving you doesnt mean I forgot what you did or I still want you or love you, no. Forgiving you is my way of healing from my dark memories, I seriously owe it to myself, the time has come to stop chasing someone that destroys you but start following someone and something that flourishs you in all means.